My mother keeps hocking me to try to make amends with my brothers. I know we are supposed to be able to forgive and get on down the road, but let's take forgiveness out of the equation for a minute. Let me ask you, if certain people in your life over many years, abused your good nature, were hurtful to you and those that you care about, meddled in your private affairs, and went out of their way over and over again to make life more difficult for you, would you be willing to give them another shot and try to get along?
My wife says you don't have to trust them to get along with them, and to some extent I understand that and I agree. At the same time the closer they get the more opportunity they have to disrupt your life.
So I feel like I need to learn from my mistakes and not continue to walk off the same cliff over and over again. Frankly it hurts when you hit the bottom.
Not being willing to fix things any more makes me the bad guy. "He's not willing to make up. We are." but originally they were the ones who pushed me out of the clan even though I kept giving them the benefit of the doubt. "They are my family they can't be doing this deliberately." Yeah Right!!!
I am better off with them out of my life. I don't need those who would hurt me any where near me.
So you see I could forgive them for what they have done in the past but I could never trust them, I couldn't trust that they wouldn't do it again, so I ask you... What's the point?

That's MY-Side, what's your side?

I lot of people tell me that. They say I am mellower, more relaxed, more easy going. Well all I can say it I am glad. I think it is true. They ask me what to attribute it to. I say some of it has to do with age, becoming older and wiser, and not getting bogged down with the small stuff. Accepting the things that I have no control over, and making the best of what I've got.

I also think there are two really big factors that have made a huge impact. One is no longer being in business with my brothers/family. I was part of that business partnership for too many years, a partnership that I was never really happy with. I got out in 2003 and the business when bankrupt in 2007. I was surprised they held out that long. But I feel much more relaxed since I started doing my own thing and left them alone to do theirs.

The second thing is having all my children out of the house. Don't get me wrong I love them all however, it is a tremendous relief to not be responsible for them day in and day out. Not having to be put between a rock and a hard place every day by them is a blessed relief.

You take those two major stress producers out of my daily life and I am a lot mellower.

I also give myself a bit of credit because when something is going on in my life that I do not like I have always tried to understand it and fix it or put it in a place where I can accept it and live with it. Sometimes it can take a real long time to solve the problem but just the fact that I am trying to improve my situation for me is always a stress reliever in the long run.

So to all you out there who have noticed a change in me, thanks for noticing I have worked hard to get this way and I hope to continue getting mellower as time goes by.

That's MY-SIDE, what's yours?

OK Here's the deal. I have found out through the grapevine that my son has been invited to participate in his cousins wedding as an usher. The catch is that my wife and I are not invited. This is the family who have estranged themselves from me and my wife and step daughter but still involve themselves with my two sons.

So I find out from my Mom that my brothers and cousin (parents of the groom) are arranging to buy my two sons suits and arrange transportation to the wedding which is out of state in November. My mother by the way doesn't believe that my wife and I will not be invited, but everyone who was to be included received a note last Thanksgiving so that they could plan for the trip and festivities. We did not receive one.

Anyway, we wouldn't go even if we were invited. And I really don't care if my youngest son goes if he want's to go. What pisses me off is that my son and everyone else involved (except my mom) are trying to keep this a secret from me. I don't ask much from my family, friends, or kids except that they be straight with me. I don't like being manipulated and I don't like being lied to. I can handle most anything that comes down the pike except those two things, and you'd think that my son should know that by now. Yeah right! He has a big problem learning from his mistakes.

So the way my wife and I have been dealing with this is to just make like we don't know and to see what actually happens.

What my son doesn't realize is that his treatment of me makes me less likley to go out of my way for him when he is in need. I have tried to explain this to him many times but he still continues to lie to me about many things.

How would you handle this situation. Your comments are welcome.

My-Side...

I wonder why every proposed solution to our current energy situation, is not really a solution at all? I wonder where our leadership is in the country. Where is a leader like JFK who in the 60’s inspired this country to go to the moon in 10 years, and made it happen? Almost every modern convenience we enjoy today is a direct result of the technology used to win the space race. Where is our current president or the current candidates when it comes to finding a solution to this problem? And where is the leader who is willing to inspire us and say we will become energy independent within 10 years and inspire this country to accomplish this goal.

Lastly why are all the solutions that are proposed nothing more than the same old song and dance we’ve heard before and have been proven not to work?

Now I am not a brilliant man and I understand that many of the suggestions I make are more complicated than I am able to express but here are some things that have occurred to me that I have never heard expressed before when it comes to our energy situation.

First, it occurs to me that drilling for more oil is nothing but a band aid for a much more serious long term problem. We are eventually going to run out of oil, some say in 60 years or so, and then we will be in a worse situation than we are right now. It’s like enabling a drug addict; we need to wean ourselves of oil all together and start right now not 60 years from now. Fossil fuels pollute the earth; even bios fuels though sustainable still burn the same way as petroleum and generate too much Co2.

If we mandated clean energy in ten years we could accomplish this, much of the technology is already available. We already know how to create electric vehicles, hydrogen fuel cell cars, compressed air cars, and autos that can run on natural gas. If we said all clean cars by 2018 we could make it happen.

What if instead of funding and building huge new power plants to supply electricity, we used those funds to make every home, and businesses generate its own power within the next ten years through the use of solar, wind or geothermal power. What if every new home or building being constructed from now on had to have its own power generating capability or they would not get a permit to build. I wouldn’t mind having a windmill on my home or solar panels, or geothermal, I’d take it all, because it means more security for me and my family. Plus it reduces my overhead. By looking at the problem like this we eliminate the need for more refineries, more nuclear plants, new coal plants, and only look at using hydro, wind, wave, geothermal power to back up our local power generation approach to energy.

It also occurred to me that hydrogen fuel cell technology which is combining hydrogen and oxygen to chemically to create electricity shouldn’t only be looked at for cars but also for large scale power plants. The hydrogen and oxygen can be mined from sea water (we have lots of that in the USA) and the byproduct is water, clean fresh water, and some sea salt, sounds like a great way to generate power cleanly and safely, in a self sustainable nonpolluting way.

Well how would we accomplish this you ask? Well here’s the awesome part of these ideas in my mind. We use the funds we were going to put into drilling, new nuclear, and coal burning plants and use that money to put people to work to create this new infrastructure. We get the eco technology companies to start producing the raw materials, and companies to install and build these new technologies into our homes businesses and neighborhoods. We could retrofit every gas station to dispense Hydrogen or electricity. And every one of these tasks would require a whole new generation of workers and new skills that will take us all through the 21^st century and beyond with safety and security.

Now I realize this is not as simple as I make it sound, but ideas such as this I haven’t heard mentioned anywhere before. Bottom line, what we need is a leader, someone who is not afraid to stand up and tell this country that we need to make this happen for our own good. No solution is good for all there will always be some that are adversely affected, but we cannot let the few stop us from doing what is needed for the many and in the long term for everyone on this earth.

Well my youngest is going to be on his own very soon. We just found out that he failed all 4 of his college classes he took this semester. Our agreement was that we'd pay his rent as long as he was a full time student and taking a full load and passing all his classes. Failing 4 classes just doesn't cut it.

I have mixed feelings about this, but I am convinced it is the right thing to do  for him and for my wife and I. It is time to let go. He needs to learn to  make better choices and to take care of himself. At this point supporting him like we've been doing is just enabling him to continue to fail and take his responsibilities for granted.

When he was in his behavior mod program they taught us (parents) that at 18 years old you no longer had a legal obligation to support your children, and if they were not living up to their commitments, and obligations, and supporting the values you feel are important you no longer have to pay their way.

Well for us that time has come. He is 21 and we have given him so many opportunities to prove that he can learn from his mistakes and make better and more productive choices and unfortunately he has disappointed us every step of the way. I believe he is disappointing himself as well. Hopefully one of these days he will learn. Until then we are only a phone call away but he is on his own.

Letting go isn't easy but often doing the right thing isn't the easy choice. Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for my son and all the other young adults out there who also need to be let go to learn life's hard lessons.

That's MY-SIDE, what's yours?

It seems  now-a-days that integrity, mostly doesn't exist. It seems to me that the black and white good and evil, has gone too far to the shades of gray of take the easy road. Take the road that's good for me and the hell with everyone else. Yeah I know that's kind of simplistic that the tough choices in life are not always simple black and white choices, but it seems that the super guys always manage to put aside their selfishness and take the path of selflessness. I guess that's why I like'em.
I have been faced with many hard choices in my life as I am sure all of you have. Most of the time I tend to take the tougher path because I am not a fan of short term solutions, I'd rather take the harder short term approach for longer term solutions.
Batman one of my favorite superheros is a great example of taking the hard road for the long term good. Yeah the guy was first motivated by revenge, but eventually he came to the decision that leading a secret life of crime fighting would keep others from going through what he went through. It would have been way easier to figure out the perfect revenge crime and kill the murderer of his parents or have him caught and sent to prison for life and then be done with it. But of coarse we all know that wasn't the path he chose.
Spider-man is also a classic conflicted hero who always seems to finally make the right choice at his own personal expense. How many times has he debated about putting down the costume for good and just living his life as Peter Parker, only to be drawn back in to the hero life for the greater good.
Superheros are all men and women of integrity, people with strong values they are always trying to live up to, people who struggle daily with trying to make the right decision. Yeah sometimes they make the wrong decision. Don't we all? But they always seem to come back to the right decision in the long run.
I applaud all the regular superheros out there in the world. The people who believe in tough love, the people who stand up with their convictions, defend their values and live with the consequences. There are far too many out there who just like the easy way out of stuff and those of us who take the tougher rout can make their lives more difficult and as a result they can make our road more bumpy as well.
So that's some of why I love superheros. And any one who tells you that superheros don't really exist just look at the people in our armed forces, the policemen and firemen, out there. The teachers, social workers, and most of all the parents who refuse to take the easy way out regarding their children for their own long term wellbeing. I applaud you all.

That's MY-SIDE What's yours.

You've heard the old saying "the customer is always right" haven't you? Well you get the point of that statement is that you should do what ever you can to accommodate your client and make them happy with their purchase and make them want to come back to do business. Well I agree on a basic level with that. I run my own business and I feel that service is 80% of what I have to do to be successful, the rest, is a no brainer.
Now there are many kind of customers out there. You have the dumb as a stump but nice kind, you have the know it all but nice kind, you have the their own worst enemy but nice kind, then you have the I'm doing you a favor kind, the bend over jump through hoops, and pull your pants down kind. You also have the I'm just using you to get my regular guy to come down in price kind, and the ones who talk too much and the ones who don't talk enough. But the ones who think that their shit doesn't stink and are unprofessional in their attitude and they way they treat their vendors or subordinates are the ones that really burn my britches.
I have a client who was recommended to me years ago by my wife. This person is someone who my wife mentored into her business. She was tired of dealing with my unprofessional competitors, so I began to work with her. She was a bit of a pill but ultimately she was very happy with the service I provided and the quality of goods and the done right and on time stuff. So for a few years we had a mutually benificial relationship and it was good.
At some point her company became contractually obligated to work with one of my competitors so I lost a good chunk of their business but that is business and I stayed in touch and waited for my next opportunity. It came a few years later when this persons assistant began calling me for little jobs here and there. I was happy to handle it. The first assistant got through the learning curve and we got along great. The second assistant was sweet but dumb as a stump, but I was patient and I knew what I was doing was for her boss and I hung in there and gave them the service they loved.
Well now things have changed again. The boss had to fire the dumb assistant and she is placing the orders again. But something has changed. Where we used to discus the particulars of her business now the will only e-mail me and refuses to return my calls on the phone only through e-mail. Her e-mails come off as always talking down to me, rude and insensitive. She doesn't read everything and makes statements like, "was I sleeping" or "did I miss something" or "where was I when we had that discussion" type of comments. Always forcing me to point to past e-mails or quotations where these points were already made and she just didn't take the time to read them.
Lately she is throwing my competition in my face and making us all bid against each other to get her the lowest price. On a basic level that's fine it's business and I understand, however when she wants to change the rules buy less than the required amount and have us give deep discounts, free samples, free freight and other concessions it is getting to be too much when you add in the unprofessional demeaning attitude.
Last week I had quoted her on 15 different items, sent samples of each, and quoted her very competitive prices if she would live with the minimum orders. I even came in on a vacation day for her to get what ever orders she was going to throw my way and get them handled promptly. When I got her e-mail for 3 of the 15 items she didn't give me quantities, so I sent her a note, (on my day off) to confirm the quantity for each item. She wrote back saying I never gave her the information so again I had to point her to an e-mail where I did. She replied by telling me to basically forget it.
When I asked why, she basically told me that I wasn't working hard enough to deserve the business.
So this week I am angry. I am obsessing. It is just business and I'll get over it but it pisses me off when I bend over backwards for someone and I get treated like shit.
I have plenty of clients and business is good, but I have a problem when I get treated like I have no feelings, or unfairly or unprofessionally. Anyhow I just needed to vent.

If you have problems like this I suggest that you make your clients go to customer school and learn the proper etiquette that all customers should use to get the best possible service out of the businesses they frequent.

That's MY-SIDE What's yours?

Over the years I think my big mouth has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. The unfortunate thing about that is most of the time I had no idea when it was happening I only found out because I would notice that things would change and the only thing I could attribute to the change is that it must have been something I said?
Most often people do not come out and say what they think, mean or feel. I on the other hand am the type of person who has no problem being direct, honest, and saying what I feel or what's on my mind. I try to be mindful of others feelings, I do not want to say things in a way that would be hurtful, but people are funny. Sometimes being direct is perceived as being  aggressive, politely disagreeing  is perceived as being difficult, speaking of how things make you feel makes people uncomfortable.
Here's a great example, I used to be very close to one of my sisters-in- law, we spoke almost weekly and I enjoyed my relationship with her. When I had to send my youngest son away because of his behavior, she started to become non-supportive. At one point when he wasn't making progress at the US school he was in they recommended that I send him to a school in Jamaica. My wife and I were conflicted about this decision, we mulled it over for a while and discussed it with many other people trying to decide what we should do. On evening I got a call from my sister-in-law who shared with me some articles she had read in the NY Times regarding these type of schools and negative consequences. I was aware of the articles how ever my first hand experience with the school and program my son was in led me to feel confident that I was doing the right thing by sending him to Jamaica. I listened to my Sister-in-law, and thanks her for her concern. I told her that we were still considering sending my son any way. She became upset. I told her we had read the articles but our first hand knowledge said that this school was not one of the bad ones. She persisted and kept saying had I read these articles. I kept telling her yes but I didn't agree that the issues related to me. We went around in circles for a while until finally we ended the call. That was the last time she ever spoke to me. My wife was sitting with me while I was on the phone during the conversation and I asked her when it was over if I said anything I shouldn't have or if I was rude or insensitive and she said no. She said I handled it well from what she heard.
Months later when my sister-in-law hadn't returned my calls for months I asked my brother what the story was, and he finally told me that his wife said that I cursed at her and she doesn't like being talked to like that so she was avoiding me. Well that plainly was not the case. Either way you look at it it was the end of my relationship with her and signaled the end of my relationship with my brother too.
So basically what I find is people will make up stuff when they can't deal with directness, disagreement, emotion. As for me I prefer to be spoken to directly and honestly. I want to know where I stand and I want to know how people really think, I don't want people to tell me what they think I want to hear I want them to tell me what they really think. I can take it.
So my basic point with all this is to say that in the last few years I have decided that not talking is the safest way for me to get along in the world. It is difficult because it is not my nature but I am trying and I am getting better at it. I am becoming a man of few words, more stoic, quite and a better listener. I try to only speak when I am spoken to and even then say what I need to say in a very few words. I would much rather chat, I love talking to people but I think it ultimately is better for me to speak less, so that's where I am at.

So that is MY-SIDE what's yours?

...this is about how one, act, event, individual, can have a domino effect and change things far beyond what anyone would have ever expected.
There was a time in my life when I was a big hero. I took care of a sick wife (cancer) and two young children, and ran a business. I wasn't doing too bad either, we all still managed to eat dinner together every night (I cooked), we went to Disney, built a new house, sent the kids to summer camp, visited Grandma and Grandpa, and pretty much lived a pretty normal life considering. After my wife passed away, I continued with all of the above, folks were really nice to me and always told me what a great person and Dad I was taking such good care of my family and such. It made me feel good. I really tried to do a good job and I really wanted to do right by my kids. It was hard loosing their Mom at such a young age.
Soon things began to change, much of the change was going on under my very nose but I wasn't aware of it at the time, I only learned about it later. My youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD, he was a difficult kid but we managed to get him appropriate meds, and I went to counseling with him and even though he was tough he got good grades in school and I managed even though he was usually getting into some kind of mischief or on someones nerves. Later I came to find out that much of the trouble he got in at home was actually his big brothers doing. His big brother was beginning to exercise his independence, as well as his talent for manipulation. He would do things and blame his brother and I would often assume that he was being honest and the trouble was caused by his brother when in fact it wasn't. Big bro was, doing increasingly more and more bad things, stealing liquor, and money, coming home at curfew and seeking out again, getting in trouble in school etc.... He left home just before his 18th birthday because I was not willing to put up with his behavior any more and I was about to put him in a behavior mod program. He refused so he left.
His brothers behavior got worse, and eventually I had to put him in a program to help him and to keep him away from his brothers bad influence. It was then that my brothers and their wives began showing their disapproval of me and undermining my authority with the boys by not supporting my decisions, which were often not the easy way out but the hard way (tough love way) but it was what I believed was right. And of coarse they were my kids.
As a result of all the turmoil today I do not speak to my brothers, their wives or my nieces and nephews (I won't interfere with their families the way they have with mine). In fact most of my side of the family has nothing to do with me or my family.
The kids have issues with each other because my son and daughter still deal with us but not the oldest one, so that creates problems. The whole family is totally dysfunctional, all stimulates by the series of events which began with my oldest son pushing the limits.
Of coarse this is a very simplified version but I never would have expected things could have changed so much.
Life is weird. I am so glad I have my wife by my side. I couldn't have made it through with out her.

That's MY-SIDE, what's Yours?

Sometimes I just  can't help it. I get to feelin' sad. Not depressed, just sad. I think that most of the time I feel pretty good. Consider the things in my life that really bother me and hurt me, I think I deal with it pretty well.
I try to focus on what's good in my life. I have a good marriage, an awesome house, a pretty cool job that pays well and I don't have to work that hard. In fact I get to work from home. I don't have to sweat the details. Meaning I have enough money to pay off all my bills every month, fix the plumbing when it breaks, buy the things I want when I want them with out having to sweat it. I am healthy relatively. I could stand to loose a few pounds but I have no physical problems considering my age.
What I don't have are good relations with my kids or the rest of my family, brothers cousins etc... I really don't have many friends other than my wife really just one other.
So when you look at it I have a lot to be thankful for but I still feel sad sometimes.
Yet when it comes right down to it people have mostly disappointed me throughout my life. I would be very happy not to have another so called friend. I have stopped trying to make friends. If people want to be my friend let them make the effort, I am tired of getting screwed by people who really don't give a shit.
My wife is out of town tonight and I know it will be very quiet at home. In a small way it will make me sad and in a way it will make me happy too. It's the way I want it.

That's MY-SIDE What's yours?